Great Hopping Toads: Weiß's The Frog Prince
by Apapazukamori
Summary: The classic tale of redemption and love, slaughtered, Weißstyle...


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Title: Great Hopping Toads....Weiss Kreuz Presents "The Frog Prince"  
Author: Bridget  
Genre: Parody  
Warnings: shonen-ai, gibberish, ooc  
Spoilers: none  
Teaser: The classic tale of redemption and love trampled into the ground, Weiss-style.  
Keywords: Aya, Omi, Ken, Yohji, Manx, Persia, Birman, shonen-ai  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Narrator: Once upon a time, in a far away land, was a happy, prosperous little kingdom. In this kingdom lived happy, prosperous people. They were ruled by a wise king, a beautiful queen, and their son, a handsome prince named Aya.   
  
[Aya is shoved into view and he glares off to the right at unseen people who are snickering]  
  
Narrator: Prince Aya was the very definition of "handsome."   
  
[Aya holds up a dictionary]  
  
Narrator: Crimson hair and lilac eyes adorned his pale white skin like jewels more precious than those in the crown he wore. He was so handsome, that every man, woman and child in the kingdom was deeply in lust with him.  
  
Narrator: Unfortunately, Prince Aya was not only the most beautiful man in the kingdom, but he was also the meanest. He rarely spoke or smiled or blinked, and had a rather bad habit of chasing greying old men and yelling "SHINE" at them while swinging the royal sword. It was so bad that no one came near him after a while, and Prince Aya liked it that way.  
  
Aya: I feel insulted....  
  
Narrator: One day, Prince Aya was doing his favorite thing, which was glaring at anything that moved. Sitting in the middle of the village square, there were plenty of targets. Every so often, he would stop and make a mark on his pad of paper. If he made someone cry, he made two marks. He was attempting to bore holes in the back of an unsuspecting woman's head when someone tapped him on the shoulder.   
  
[Aya turns and looks at the woman, who happens to be Birman.]  
  
Narrator: The woman asked Prince Aya for directions to the bakery, because she wanted to buy a cake for her sick child.  
  
Birman: Can you tell me where the bakery is? I need to buy a cake for my sick daughter.  
  
Aya: Don't ask me. I don't care.  
  
Narrator: The woman was horrified that Prince Aya could be so cold. She asked him again, though not as politely this time.  
  
Birman: Hey, my little girl is sick! I want to know where the bakery is, you punk!  
  
Aya: Do you not have ears, woman? I don't care. Now go away, I'm beautiful and you're annoying me.  
  
Narrator: Little did Prince Aya know that the woman was a powerful sorceress, and he shouldn't have pissed her off.  
  
Birman: You little-- All right, fine. Since you're such a creep, I'm going to turn you into a frog.  
  
Narrator: The sorceress waved her hands and poof! When the smoke cleared, Prince Aya was gone. In his place was a warty, green, bad-tempered frog.  
  
Frog: Ribbit... [hops up and bites Birman's hand]  
  
Birman: Ahhh!!! [shakes the frog off and kicks it into a puddle]  
  
Frog: Itai....  
  
Narrator: The sorceress told the frog, who was really Prince Aya, that if he ever wanted to become human again, he would have to find a princess that would fall in love with him. If the princess kissed him, the spell would be broken.  
  
Birman: [smirking evilly] Good luck with *that* one.  
  
Narrator: Prince Aya hopped back to his castle in despair. He sought out his parents for advice. After convincing his mother to stop trying to squoosh him, the king called for Prince Aya's long-suffering servant, Omi.  
  
[Omi walks out, sees the frog wearing the little crown and a nametag that reads "Prince Aya," and falls over laughing]  
  
Narrator: The king instructed Omi to help his, um, son find a princess that would kiss him and break the spell.  
  
Omi: Yeah right, good luck with *that* one.  
  
Frog: Shut up, peasant. Just do what you're told.  
  
Narrator: So the frog and his boy set out in search of a princess. But where to start looking? Who could possibly be willing to see through the froggy exterior and help Prince Aya become human again?  
  
[Omi and the frog are trudging along a dirt path]  
  
Omi: Prince Aya needs 30,000 kisses to become human again.... who will help Prince Aya---  
  
Frog: Shut UP!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Narrator: Meanwhile, in a little village west of Prince Aya's kingdom lived Princess Ken. Now when we say "princess," we mean a prissy, spoiled rotten, tantrum-throwing, unbelievably uke young man--  
  
Ken: [blushing] HEY!!!  
  
Narrator: Ahem. So Ken was a princess, but not in the most conventional sense of the word. He lived in a cottage just outside the village with his mother and father and older brother. They were poor people, since Ken had been bewitched by an evil sorceress and could only speak in gibberish. Consequently, no one would hire him because he scared customers.  
  
Manx: Ken dear, maybe you could be a librarian or something...  
  
Ken: [mournfully] Gsskeikdffdsnalkfekg...  
  
Persia: What did we do to deserve such a wretched child?!?  
  
Yohji: Well, mother told me that you got real drunk one night and it had something to do with you being called "the Great One" and--  
  
[Manx and Persia both cover Yohji's mouth]  
  
Ken: Eh?  
  
Narrator: One day, Ken was playing soccer in the woods with Yohji and hit an unsuspecting person who was walking down the road.  
  
[Ken kicks the ball and beans Omi right in the head. Omi falls over and the ball rolls over the frog.]  
  
Ken: $!!&  
  
Yohji: Oh wow...  
  
Frog: Damnit, peasant! You nearly killed me!!  
  
Yohji: Okay, talking frog. [turns to unconscious Omi] Neat trick!  
  
Frog: It is no trick, moron! I am the great Prince Aya and you nearly killed me!!  
  
Ken: Psflksdjf? Sdjdskfhskf.  
  
Frog: What?  
  
Yohji: Don't mind him, he always talks like that. An evil sorceress bewitched him, so he can only speak gibberish.  
  
Frog: [eyes Ken] Did we meet the same witch?  
  
Narrator: The talking frog was indeed Prince Aya, though neither of the boys really believed him. Omi was taken back to Yohji and Ken's home and revived. Ashamed that their useless son had caused a stranger such trouble, Omi and Prince Aya were offered lodging for the night.  
  
Omi: That's a great idea, since no one will lodge us because of froggy here.  
  
Frog: Watch your mouth, peasant. I am a prince and will be treated as such.  
  
Omi: Whatever...  
  
Ken: Gsofidjfklsfnselkn.... sdiedskdfsrelkfsdfsd...  
  
Manx: That sounded obscene... go wash your mouth out.  
  
Ken: !!!!!!  
  
Narrator: The next morning, Omi and Prince Aya prepared to leave.  
  
[Yohji, Manx and Persia are all standing at the door to wave goodbye. Ken is nowhere to be seen.]  
  
Yohji: [calls upstairs] Yo, Princess!! Get your butt down here and say goodbye!  
  
Omi & Frog: Princess?!  
  
[Ken comes in, looking irritated]  
  
Ken: Ddfskfjsehfjsgksjnrsejkfd.... dsflksnlrjflisdfskjrnsfdsfieoefsdrsersfd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Omi: Wait.. *he's* a princess?  
  
Yohji: Well, yeah... sort of.  
  
Omi: [turns to the frog] Hey, you know, maybe he could--  
  
Frog: You're not serious!! I'm the great Prince Aya! I'm not going to be kissed by this *boy* who can't even utter a coherent word!  
  
[Ken starts to cry. Yohji pats him on the head]  
  
Yohji: Awww... you hurt his feelings. Now he'll never be a bride...  
  
[Ken kicks Yohji in the shin]  
  
Narrator: So, Prince Aya and his faithful servant Omi left the home of Princess Ken, determined to find a more suitable candidate to break Prince Aya's spell.  
  
Omi: We're never gonna find one.  
  
Frog: Silence, peasant.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Narrator: Time passed and Prince Aya couldn't find anyone to lift his curse. Everyone was either frightened off by his looks ....   
  
Sakura: EEEEEEWWWW!!! A frog!!! [runs and hides]  
  
Narrator: .... or by his attitude.   
  
Aya-chan: Awww, what a cute little froggy.   
  
Frog: I am not a 'froggy,' you wench!! You are too stupid to kiss me!!!  
  
Narrator: Prince Aya became depressed, because he began to think that people didn't like him because he was mean.  
  
Omi: Wow, a revelation! And it only took you four years to do it!  
  
Frog: Shut up.  
  
Narrator: Omi, Prince Aya's faithful servant, became bitter because no one would marry the servant of a talking frog.  
  
Omi: Why don't we just give up, huh? Maybe we can find a sideshow or a restaurant that would take you or something...  
  
Frog: We can't give up, Omi! There has to be *someone* out there besides you who could love me. Someone who was nice enough to forget I'm a frog.  
  
Omi: Or dumb enough....  
  
Narrator: After crossing from one side of the globe to the other, Prince Aya and Omi wandered towards home. On their way, they passed the cottage that seemed very familiar.  
  
Omi: Crap. We've been walking in circles.  
  
Narrator: Upon coming closer to the cottage, Prince Aya recognized it as the cottage of Princess Ken, the bewitched boy whom they'd met four years earlier.  
  
Frog: I wonder if they would give us someplace to stay for the night.  
  
Narrator: So, Omi and Prince Aya knocked on the door of Princess Ken's home. It was opened by said boy, who stared at the two travelers in shock.  
  
Ken: Whoa, you're still a frog!  
  
Frog: ..........  
  
Omi: Your spell is gone.  
  
Narrator: Indeed, it was true. Princess Ken had been freed from his enchantment by a passing doctor who gave him some antibiotics. Ken had been a victim of an allergic reaction to a bee sting, and not an evil sorceress.  
  
[Omi, Ken and the frog are sitting at a table inside the house. Ken rubs the back of his neck, embarrassed]  
  
Ken: I was just allergic to bees, you see, and I couldn't tell anybody because my tongue was all swollen up...  
  
Omi & Frog: ......  
  
Narrator: Prince Aya and Omi related their sob story to Princess Ken, who began to fidget five minutes into the tale because he was bored and hyperactive and not very good at listening to others. Prince Aya, who may have gotten over his bad attitude, still loved to hear himself talk and chattered on far into the night.  
  
[Omi and Ken are asleep, sprawled all over the couch, while the Frog sits on the table and talks]  
  
Narrator: The next morning, Prince Aya and Omi got ready to return to Prince Aya's kingdom.  
  
Ken: Hey, why don't you guys stay here for a while?  
  
Omi: We wouldn't want to intrude.  
  
Narrator: Princess Ken convinced the two to remain at his home for a while longer, in order to keep him company. You see, in the four years since they'd seen Princess Ken last, his parents had run off, leaving him and his older brother to fend for themselves. Then his older brother married and moved out. So Princess Ken was all alone and not happy about it.  
  
Ken: They left me to do *everything* myself!! I don't know how to cook or clean or anything like that...  
  
[Omi looks around the room, and it's a disaster area. He shifts a pile of......something...... away from himself with his foot]  
  
Omi: Obviously...  
  
Narrator: On the third day of their stay, Prince Aya, knowing that he would eventually have to return home in defeat and humiliation, had an idea.  
  
Frog: Um... Princess Ken... what do you... that is... would you mind.... if it's not too much trouble....  
  
Ken: Huh?  
  
Omi: [vein popping out of his forehead] The Frog Prince was wondering if you would kiss him and break the spell on him.  
  
Frog: You see, I need a princess to kiss me, and you are, sort of, a princess. So would you?  
  
Ken: Okay, you lost me...  
  
Omi and Frog: .......  
  
Omi: Well, no one ever said you had to snag a kiss from the *brightest* princess around...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Narrator: Prince Aya and Omi explained to Princess Ken the troubles Prince Aya had gone through for four years, starting at the beginning in case the princess forgot anything. When they finished, Princess Ken thought long and hard about their request.  
  
Ken: So I just have to kiss you, huh? I suppose I could....  
  
Narrator: Princess Ken agreed to kiss Prince Aya, allowing him to return to human form.   
  
[Ken picks up the frog and turns it over and over, scanning its body thoroughly]  
  
Frog: Wh-what are you doing?!?!  
  
Ken: I'm trying to find the spot with the least warts.  
  
[Upon finding a suitable spot to kiss the frog, Ken kisses it quickly and then makes a face]  
  
Ken: I think I'm going to be sick.... [runs off]  
  
[Omi picks up the frog and turns it over and over]  
  
Omi: Hey, he kissed you, right?  
  
Frog: [blushes] Well, yes. Yes he did.   
  
Omi: I thought you were supposed to change back!!  
  
Narrator: Oh the horror! Even though he finally found someone to kiss him, Prince Aya's spell remained unbroken. Prince Aya remained a frog because he had forgotten the conditions the sorceress had given him.  
  
[Birman walks in]  
  
Birman: Stupid prince, you have to have the princess fall in love with you! Otherwise the kiss won't work!!   
  
[Birman laughs hysterically and vanishes]  
  
Omi: Wow, I didn't know Birman could do that....  
  
Aya: [off to the right, holding a microphone] Fourth wall, Omi!! Fourth wall!!  
  
Omi: Oh! Whoops...  
  
Narrator: Ahem. Yes, it was true. Prince Aya had to find a princess to fall in love with him for his spell to be broken.  
  
Ken: I can't love a frog... that's bestiality!!  
  
Frog: I'm not a frog, you idiot!! I'm a prince!!  
  
Omi: Well, we're screwed....  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Omi: Come on, your highness... we should get going now. I don't know what we're going to tell your parents, though. I hope they realize that this is not my fault and that I should be knighted for putting up with all this....  
  
Frog: I'm not going anywhere! This princess is my last chance and I *will* make him love me.  
  
Narrator: And so, Prince Aya set out to win Princess Ken's heart. He brought him breakfast in bed,  
  
[The frog drags a granola bar up the stairs and hops on to Ken's bed. Ken rolls over in his sleep and nearly squashes it]  
  
Narrator: got the groceries,  
  
[The frog sits outside on a rock, perfectly still, until a fly happens by. It catches the insect with its tongue and then hops inside, where Ken and Omi are playing slap jack at the kitchen counter]  
  
Frog: I caught dinner.  
  
[Ken and Omi turn a delightful matching green and just nod.]  
  
Narrator: and read to him.  
  
[The frog (complete with little horn-rimmed glasses) sits on the couch with Ken and reads a book aloud]  
  
Frog: 'I would not eat them here or there, I would not eat them anywhere. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I Am.'  
  
Ken: [claps] Sugoi! That's one of my favorite parts!  
  
[In the background, Omi rolls his eyes and looks like he's ready to throw himself out the window. The frog just nods and smiles (well, it smiles as much as a reptile without lips can smile)]  
  
Narrator: Time passed, and Prince Aya found that he no longer thought of himself as a frog or a prince, or anything else but a man who was happy. He found himself deeply in love with Princess Ken, who in return, considered Prince Aya to be a kind and wonderful friend.  
  
Omi: If I were a stronger person, I would have killed myself by now...  
  
Narrator: But one day, while walking with his beloved, Prince Aya hopped into the road and was run over by a carriage.  
  
Ken: Ohmygod Aya!!  
  
Frog: Itai.....  
  
Narrator: Horribly upset, Princess Ken scooped Prince Aya up in his arms and ran home, arriving in record time, having only tripped three times on the way there.  
  
Ken: Omi! Help!! Aya got run over by a carriage!  
  
Omi: Okay, his body's flat, but where did this bump on his head come from?  
  
Ken: ........  
  
Narrator: The two boys did all they could to save Prince Aya, but without any knowledge of amphibian anatomy...  
  
Ken: I can't even *spell* amphibian....  
  
Omi: You can't even spell your name.  
  
Ken: Shut up!!  
  
Narrator: Ahem.... without any knowledge of amphibian anatomy, all they could do was prolong the inevitable.  
  
Frog: Ken, I want to tell you something.  
  
Ken: Aya, don't talk...   
  
Frog: No, I want to thank you. I don't die regretting that I'm a frog, Ken. In fact, I'm kind of glad I was a frog, because then I got to meet you. I love you, Ken.  
  
[Ken starts to cry.]  
  
Ken: I love you too, Aya.  
  
[He gives the frog a little hug and then pats it on the head]  
  
Frog, Omi & Narrator: ......  
  
Ken: What?  
  
Omi: Why don't you give him a kiss, Ken?  
  
Ken: Why? He's already dead...  
  
[Omi grabs the back of Ken's head and puts the dying froggy body to Ken's lips.]  
  
Ken: Gross.... I kissed a warty, dead thing!!  
  
Omi: God, you *are* an idiot...  
  
[The frog's body begins to glow and suddenly, poof!! When the smoke clears, Aya is sitting on Ken's lap, human again and very much nekkid.]  
  
Aya: Ken, you broke the spell! [hugs Ken, oblivious to the fact that he's straddling said boy]  
  
Ken: [nosebleeds]  
  
Narrator: And so, Prince Aya's spell was broken, thanks to Princess Ken's, um, generous nature. Prince Aya asked Princess Ken to marry him, and they lived happily ever after.  
  
Omi: And now all we have to do is go home and tell your parents that you're gay.  
  
[Aya and Ken facefault] 


End file.
